So haven’t been around for a while. I took some time out from writing on here because I had started to feel like I was blogging to fill a void, blogging because I had nothing else to do, and lets be honest, thats not really good reading for anyone. If you’re not living life then how can you write anything that people want to read?
Anyway, I’d love to tell you that after the break I have figured everything out and I am on the path to a new me…well, I’m not. I have, however, figured out some stuff, made some changes, and as a result I am in a much better place. That all sounds a bit corny to me, I hate it when I hear people say that they need to leave a place to go and “find themselves”, I always think, “what the hell does that mean?”, but as much as I hate to admit it, I understand now why some people need a timeout, need to pause, take a break from the world knowing every single detail of their life. I understand now why people delete their facebook when a relationship breaks down, they need to deal with their shit alone, without the world’s interference. I love social media, as I have explained a few times on my blog, but before it existed people had to deal with their own problems, or had to confide in friends (face to face) and that’s something I think we need to get back to. Just the other day I was talking about my life in the USA when I didn’t have skype, facebook or even a mobile phone, and how different it was. My life experiences before social media made me who I am today and I wonder if being SO connected now is affecting my thought processes. Like, maybe I need to act like I am successful, need to show the world that I have it figured out, because everyone is keeping tabs on everyone’s successes and failures.
Anyway, I am back for now, and have figured out some stuff. Thankfully.
First of all, and most importantly, I have figured out that I am a direct result of the choices and decisions I have made in my life. YES, I am the reason I am where I am today. Of course there are other factors involved but essentially, I am responsible for my own action, or inaction! And if I want to change something, I need to do it. ME.
I figured out that I don’t actually need to have my shit together. I know now that I don’t fit in a box. It’s just not who I am, and that’s ok because boxes were made by society and if you fit in one, thats great but if you don’t, thats fine too. Maybe I’m not going to be content, maybe I am never going to be comfortable with one job, one profession or one siutation. As a 13 year old I wanted to be a vet, then I realised I loved sports and wanted to be a PE teacher, then I wanted to be a professional basketball player, then a social worker. No-one ever told me that any of these things weren’t possible, in fact, I’m very lucky that I had parents and mentors who told me I could be what I wanted to be, that there wasn’t ever a time limit on it. I didn’t feel pressure until I was in my late 20’s, perhaps because my journey wasn’t a typical one, but for the most part, society puts pressure on people to achieve a certain level of success by a certain age, then frowns when that isnt achieved. I watched a TED talk recently from 2006 that talked about how the education system is killing creativity, how young people are being moulded from a young age to follow a certain path in education, where mathematics, science and english are top priority and the arts, music and sports are the lowest. They are taught to repress their creativity and focus on the subject that will lead them to the best jobs, not the subjects that will bring them the most enjoyment, because education is a means to an end, the end goal being employment and financial success.
I think, or at least hope, that today’s society is adapting and changing, beginning to accept that “One man’s idea of bliss may be another man’s agony”, (thanks AMWWF for confirming this RIGHT NOW as I type this.) recognising that young people don’t have to follow the same path as those before them, that success doesn’t always have a price tag on it, and that it looks different to everyone. At least thats the message I will be teaching my daughter. Maybe I’m going to put a little piece of myself into a lot of different boxes, I might end up having a few different careers, or none at all.
Im now absolutely confident that whatever I want in life I can achieve if I just believe it is possible and act. I was in a slump, feeling really down, but I decided to give myself a shake. I started my courses and I know now that if I want to continue to study I can do it. I love learning, I love challenging my thoughts and beliefs, I love reading, writing and studying. So, I’m going to keep doing that, the next course I do will be part of the Open University course I started almost 4 years ago when I was pregnant with Little Miss. It’s going to be a long haul to finish it but one I am excited about.
Last week I was back in the classroom teaching 14 little people and I loved it. It was an amazing feeling to spend time in the school environment again. So challenging…and exhausting! I know working with children is something I can do well, the feedback I got was so positive, so hopefully I will be called more often to cover classes.
I have changed my mindset to a positive one so I know good things are in my future. Expat life is difficult, there is no denying that, yes, but life is what you make it. If I think everything is crappy, I’m going to attract crap into my life. I am so thankful I have such a loving, supportive husband who is there for me a million percent, even when I change my mind constantly and brain dump on him all the time, he just listens, and offers as much support as he thinks I need, I couldn’t ask for a better person by my side. I have an amazing daughter who absolutely astonishes me every day, she is the one thing in life I can say without hesitation that I am proud of. Ok, I don’t have friends here, or a career to speak of but I do have a very interesting life I’m happy with. For so long I was focussed on everything I don’t have I forgot to look at what I do have. I am the only person in charge of me, I am the one who has to go to sleep every night in my own head, and when I close my eyes tonight, I’ll be happy. I can change my circumstances if I don’t like them…and it’s never too late to do that!
I am still not sure where I want to be in 5 years time but I am sure that I am happy where I am right now. I will keep you posted on the rest.